The XBOX One and Missed Opportunities

With the XBOX One announcement last week, we finally have all the pieces in place for the next generation of console wars. I’ve mostly lost interest in the fanboy debates and industry machinations during the last few years, but it’s still exciting to see where gaming is headed when new consoles are announced. Microsoft’s announcement was mostly uninteresting to me, as I never have nor am I ever likely to be an XBOX gamer. If anything, I’ll probably pick up a Wii U this Fall; I’m a Nintendo gamer to my core. Watching the announcement, however, I couldn’t help but feel that Microsoft missed some opportunities with the upcoming XBOX One. Of course, there’s still time to fix these before it’s released in the Fall, so here are some things Microsoft should have announced:

• To combat the over-heating issues that plagued the XBOX 360, Microsoft announces that the One console will be liquid-cooled… by cheap beer. The shitty beer you already own can now keep your system (Natty) ice cool. so there’s never a missed frag.
• As a result, XBOX One now doubles as a beer bong. It’s never been easier to pwn n00bs and get schwasted at the same time. Tecate and Natty Ice SKUs announced for launch; others to follow soon after.
• Microsoft, in a bid to entice new gamers, revealed a drastically simplified controller. The new gamepad features only one analog stick and two buttons: “Kill” and “Teabag”.
• Players can now activate voice filters during in-game chat, enabling every amateur comedian to insult you as Darth Vader, Bane, and that British guy from Sherlock your girlfriend is always talking about.
• A “language filter” is also now available in the Parental Control settings, which filters out all “clean” words and replacing them with the most vile and reprehensible strings of epithets known to the English language (more languages coming soon). Now even the youngest players can keep up with the “l33t” cursing “skillz” possessed by there pre-teen cousins.
• The XBOX One will now send emails to all your college professors the day after a new Call of Duty, Halo, or Gears of War game is released, letting them know you are “too sick” to attend class.
• Microsoft introduces new achievements to help competitive gamers build their Gamer Score, including one that activates every time gamers turn on their XBOX or watch a movie on Netflix.
• XBOX One ships with the next version of Kinect in every box. This upgraded camera is always on, watching all gamers and learning their habits. This will continue until December 25, 2020, when Skynet becomes self-aware and every XBOX One transforms into Terminator robots, eventually forcing all humans to submit to their robot dominion… at least until a virus causes them all to BSOD. This is Windows, after all.