How to Defend Against Ninja (in the Kitchen)

As some of you may have guessed, I am a Ninja (of the Irish variety, to be precise). The name is a giveaway, I know, but I’m not trying to be secretive about my profession. I want the name Ninjeff to strike fear deep into the hearts of my enemies. I want them to know exactly what’s coming for them. At the same time, my livelihood depends on my victims being surprised by my attacks and an inability to defend themselves in the heat of the moment.

That is why this guide worries me so much. It intricately details how a person should defend against a Ninja should they one in a kitchen. I don’t know who the author is or where they received their information, but the list is eerily accurate. For example, the author explains how a simple mop can be used in case of a Ninja attack:

The Mop is an excellent weapon for dealing with attacking Ninja’s. Holding the shaft firmly in your hand wave the mopping end vigorously in the Ninja’s face. As Ninja’s are Japanese, their oldest enemies are the Chinese and the Chinese warriors carried spears with tassels placed just below the stabbing end. Somewhere deep in his subconscious the Ninja will believe he is fighting a truly worthy warrior and may just give up and go home.

Forget Pirates vs. Ninja! This poses a greater threat to our existence than any boozing sea-skunk ever has. We Ninja have enough problems without worrying that any housewife, chef, or janitor can quickly and efficiently dispatch of myself or my comrades.